Texans are all fat, conservative, schizophrenics and their women have ugly ass toes. There. I’ve said. And I’m not apologizing. I’ve tried to reserve judgment for as long as possible but I’ve been in Texas for over a year now—fourteen months to be exact—and I’ve reached that conclusion by being around Texans nearly every day. You may have noticed that I didn’t use the adjective “redneck” when I described Texans. That’s because they’re not all rednecks. I’m originally from the South and I have family in North Carolina, so I know from rednecks. How did I arrive at this conclusion? Easy, I live in Texas. South Texas. And I’ve visited lots of different areas of Texas. I still haven’t been up to Dallas yet, but why should I go see for myself when I can get the lowdown on Dallas from a co-worker? “Dallas is a lot like Houston, except they’re snooty.” Hey, I’m just quoting.
Let me explain myself here. First of all, I admit, not ALL Texans are fat. Just most of them. Hey, don’t blame them! The food in Texas is really, really good. And if ½ pound of BBQ ribs is delicious, then why not eat 5 pounds of them instead of just ½ pound? Sounds logical, until you try to buy pants off the rack at Kohl’s. I went to a small town near Austin called Lockhart over the weekend. Its claim to fame is it has some of the best BBQ restaurants, not only in Texas, but in the whole dang country! Now that’s quite a claim because we’ve all had great BBQ in other parts of the country. But BBQ in Texas is pretty near a religion. It is good. I tried the BBQ sausage and the BBQ pork ribs. Both highly seasoned and both very good. They believe their BBQ is so dang good, it doesn’t require sauce. So don’t look for sauce when you go to some of these places. If you MUST have sauce, bring your own damn sauce! Back to the fat part of my point. I sat down at a picnic style table in this giant room with my fresh, hot BBQ sausage and ribs, and looked around at my fellow Texans to see how they were enjoying their food. OMG. I have never seen so many HUGE people in one place in my life. And it wasn’t just a couple of them that were fat—there were entire families of fat folks. I’m talking morbidly obese! You get the picture. Texans love to eat. So do I but Christ in Heaven, put the fork down occasionally.
Moving onto the conservative statement: Governor Rick Perry. I rest my case.
Next, I’m going to address the schizophrenic adjective in my description of Texans. The majority of the Texans I’ve met (except for the crazy CEO of EnerSys where I worked when I first moved here who truly is schizoid and I’m not just being hyperbolic just ask any of my ex-coworkers) are pretty nice. They’re friendly, they are mostly helpful, and a lot of them smile and speak to you when they see you. They’re pretty good at conversation, even when they don’t have much to say. What I’m saying is, Texans are really freaking annoying but they’re likable at the same time. You know they’ve been threating to secede from the US forever. I’m pretty sure they aren’t really going to make good on that threat. And they have largest goddamned flags on the planet. And they’ll be the first to tell you about their goddamned giant flags and the fact that everything outside of Texas is just a suburb of Texas. But I digress. Here’s the crazy thing. Texans out of their cars (cars mean pickups, of course) are pretty nice. But Texans driving in their cars or pickups turn into total and complete jerks. Not just jerks but homicidal (and also suicidal) maniacs. They’re all mean and crazy when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. The number of accidents around the Houston area is incredible. Multiple accidents involving multiple pileups on every freeway every single day. I’ve nearly been involved in several since I have to drive 20 miles each way to work and back home every day. It’s freaking scary around here. I’ve noticed that small cars, and especially since I recently bought and drive a sports car, really seem to piss them off. Giant trucks, medium sized trucks, small trucks, and lots of luxury cars just love to get on your ass until you feel like a little insect with a couple of your legs pulled off while the bully stands over you with his (or her) magnifying glass waiting for you to catch on fire. And if you don’t catch on fire, they will drive around you or pull in front of you but they will never use their signals to warn you. Is there something in the water in Texas? Why are you all such complete assholes when you’re behind the wheel of a vehicle? Is it in your DNA? Is it taught in driver’s training around here? Is it contagious? I still try to be a polite driver. Yes, living in Seattle for a long time has that effect on you. But I feel the anger when I’m nearly run over several times throughout my commute. There are times when I really want to be an asshole on the freeway too, but I know that I’ll wind up in the morgue like a lot of the other Texans that pull stupid moves like trying to take an exit ramp at the last second by dashing across 4 or 5 lanes on the freeway while everyone is driving 80 miles an hour and riding the car’s bumper that’s in front of them so there’s no way to slow down, let alone stop. Recently, one poor schmuck broke down on the freeway at night and got out of his car, after he’d pulled over to the far right lane. It was dark so the cars coming at him couldn’t see him or his car until it was too late. An SUV driving way too fast to slow down or stop was going to hit him. He had 2 choices: a) Let the SUV run over him or b) Jump off an overpass to his death. He chose b. What a horrible choice to have to make. I hope he died instantly when he hit the pavement below and didn’t feel too much pain. Makes me sad every time I think of him.
Now I come to my last statement. Texas women have ugly ass toes. There’s a whole lot of high-heeled-wearing women in this part of the country. We all know what excessive wearing of high heels will do to your toes. You wouldn’t know that their toes are so ugly but occasionally they climb down off the high-heels and put on open-toed sandals. Oh the ugliness of the toes that’re sideways and bunched up on top of each other like Vienna sausages in a can! It’s so revolting that sometimes when I see these womens’ feet in the elevator while I’m riding up to the 19th floor where my cubicle is, I throw up in my mouth a little. Just a little.
The funniest thing about Texans is how much they love their guns and their gun shows and their firing ranges. But the thing that makes me laugh the most is how you’ll see the title to my post everywhere. Outside stores, silk-screened on t-shirts, in their yards, and I think it’s stamped on their hearts: “We don’t dial 911.”
Glad I could get all of that off my chest. Houston isn’t that bad, as long as you put a bag over its head. HA! I joke, I joke. Sort of…
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Texans Don't Dial 911
Texans are all fat, conservative, schizophrenics and their women have ugly ass toes. There. I’ve said. And I’m not apologizing. I’ve tried to reserve judgment for as long as possible but I’ve been in Texas for over a year now—fourteen months to be exact—and I’ve reached that conclusion by being around Texans nearly every day. You may have noticed that I didn’t use the adjective “redneck” when I described Texans. That’s because they’re not all rednecks. I’m originally from the South and I have family in North Carolina, so I know from rednecks. How did I arrive at this conclusion? Easy, I live in Texas. South Texas. And I’ve visited lots of different areas of Texas. I still haven’t been up to Dallas yet, but why should I go see for myself when I can get the lowdown on Dallas from a co-worker? “Dallas is a lot like Houston, except they’re snooty.” Hey, I’m just quoting.
Let me explain myself here. First of all, I admit, not ALL Texans are fat. Just most of them. Hey, don’t blame them! The food in Texas is really, really good. And if ½ pound of BBQ ribs is delicious, then why not eat 5 pounds of them instead of just ½ pound? Sounds logical, until you try to buy pants off the rack at Kohl’s. I went to a small town near Austin called Lockhart over the weekend. Its claim to fame is it has some of the best BBQ restaurants, not only in Texas, but in the whole dang country! Now that’s quite a claim because we’ve all had great BBQ in other parts of the country. But BBQ in Texas is pretty near a religion. It is good. I tried the BBQ sausage and the BBQ pork ribs. Both highly seasoned and both very good. They believe their BBQ is so dang good, it doesn’t require sauce. So don’t look for sauce when you go to some of these places. If you MUST have sauce, bring your own damn sauce! Back to the fat part of my point. I sat down at a picnic style table in this giant room with my fresh, hot BBQ sausage and ribs, and looked around at my fellow Texans to see how they were enjoying their food. OMG. I have never seen so many HUGE people in one place in my life. And it wasn’t just a couple of them that were fat—there were entire families of fat folks. I’m talking morbidly obese! You get the picture. Texans love to eat. So do I but Christ in Heaven, put the fork down occasionally.
Moving onto the conservative statement: Governor Rick Perry. I rest my case.
Next, I’m going to address the schizophrenic adjective in my description of Texans. The majority of the Texans I’ve met (except for the crazy CEO of EnerSys where I worked when I first moved here who truly is schizoid and I’m not just being hyperbolic just ask any of my ex-coworkers) are pretty nice. They’re friendly, they are mostly helpful, and a lot of them smile and speak to you when they see you. They’re pretty good at conversation, even when they don’t have much to say. What I’m saying is, Texans are really freaking annoying but they’re likable at the same time. You know they’ve been threating to secede from the US forever. I’m pretty sure they aren’t really going to make good on that threat. And they have largest goddamned flags on the planet. And they’ll be the first to tell you about their goddamned giant flags and the fact that everything outside of Texas is just a suburb of Texas. But I digress. Here’s the crazy thing. Texans out of their cars (cars mean pickups, of course) are pretty nice. But Texans driving in their cars or pickups turn into total and complete jerks. Not just jerks but homicidal (and also suicidal) maniacs. They’re all mean and crazy when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. The number of accidents around the Houston area is incredible. Multiple accidents involving multiple pileups on every freeway every single day. I’ve nearly been involved in several since I have to drive 20 miles each way to work and back home every day. It’s freaking scary around here. I’ve noticed that small cars, and especially since I recently bought and drive a sports car, really seem to piss them off. Giant trucks, medium sized trucks, small trucks, and lots of luxury cars just love to get on your ass until you feel like a little insect with a couple of your legs pulled off while the bully stands over you with his (or her) magnifying glass waiting for you to catch on fire. And if you don’t catch on fire, they will drive around you or pull in front of you but they will never use their signals to warn you. Is there something in the water in Texas? Why are you all such complete assholes when you’re behind the wheel of a vehicle? Is it in your DNA? Is it taught in driver’s training around here? Is it contagious? I still try to be a polite driver. Yes, living in Seattle for a long time has that effect on you. But I feel the anger when I’m nearly run over several times throughout my commute. There are times when I really want to be an asshole on the freeway too, but I know that I’ll wind up in the morgue like a lot of the other Texans that pull stupid moves like trying to take an exit ramp at the last second by dashing across 4 or 5 lanes on the freeway while everyone is driving 80 miles an hour and riding the car’s bumper that’s in front of them so there’s no way to slow down, let alone stop. Recently, one poor schmuck broke down on the freeway at night and got out of his car, after he’d pulled over to the far right lane. It was dark so the cars coming at him couldn’t see him or his car until it was too late. An SUV driving way too fast to slow down or stop was going to hit him. He had 2 choices: a) Let the SUV run over him or b) Jump off an overpass to his death. He chose b. What a horrible choice to have to make. I hope he died instantly when he hit the pavement below and didn’t feel too much pain. Makes me sad every time I think of him.
Now I come to my last statement. Texas women have ugly ass toes. There’s a whole lot of high-heeled-wearing women in this part of the country. We all know what excessive wearing of high heels will do to your toes. You wouldn’t know that their toes are so ugly but occasionally they climb down off the high-heels and put on open-toed sandals. Oh the ugliness of the toes that’re sideways and bunched up on top of each other like Vienna sausages in a can! It’s so revolting that sometimes when I see these womens’ feet in the elevator while I’m riding up to the 19th floor where my cubicle is, I throw up in my mouth a little. Just a little.
The funniest thing about Texans is how much they love their guns and their gun shows and their firing ranges. But the thing that makes me laugh the most is how you’ll see the title to my post everywhere. Outside stores, silk-screened on t-shirts, in their yards, and I think it’s stamped on their hearts: “We don’t dial 911.”
Glad I could get all of that off my chest. Houston isn’t that bad, as long as you put a bag over its head. HA! I joke, I joke. Sort of…
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